The first balloon ever released...

The first balloon ever released...

Friday, June 13, 2014

The Urn

Today was the hardest day I've had since Kenna's passing...  today I finally got her urn. Everything has been delayed because 1. they misspelled her name on the death certificate which took forever to fix and they would not allow cremation until it was done and 2.  Zach and I ordered a handmade blown glass urn to put her in which took a while because of the "tender love and care" it needed. 

My heart weighs a 1000lbs as I try to accept the reality of all of this. 

She was finally coming home,  I just wished it wasn't like this. I love the urn its just as beautiful as I hoped it would be, it gave me comfort knowing that it was uniquely made and "one of a kind" just like my daughter.  It is truly gorgeous but unfortunately it does not capture my little girls true beauty. 

As we drove to take her home I held the delicate glass in my lap not realizing at first that I was holding my own daughter in my lap. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I have the real deal? Why can I only hold clothes, jewelry and dolls? What does all this agony lead too? 

I held her close and contemplated where in the house she would go. Originally I thought my room would be best, but the urn was so beautiful it felt like a shame to keep our Kenna Bear hidden in the back so we put her in the family room. I have a little shelf there that is covered in my favorite gifts I have recieved since her service:

One is a handmade wreath,  it's made from twigs and has a collage of pictures of McKenna and our family in it. I added one of my favorite pictures of her right in the center of it. 

Another is a handmade "kenna" bear that someone stitched together. The material is made from a dress McKenna wore when she recieved her "baby blessing" from our church.

The other is a plant that reminds me that she will always be alive with us in our hearts and lastly a little statue of Jesus playing with some children (the girl being her of course.)  

I have rearranged this shelf a 100 times. Something always looked off about it. I kept trying to add things to it, take things down. I kept telling Zach "it just looks like something is missing! It's driving me crazy!" when I put her urn on the shelf today it looked absolutely perfect and then I realized... she was the missing piece. She was home, she was were she belonged, she was at peace in our house and in heaven. 

I miss her so much, it's "rough" seems like such a tiny word for how much Zach and I have had to bare, how heavy our burden has felt, how sad these bodies seem to be.  I think of her often, I talk to her in the car just like we always did, I sing her favorite songs, I hug her clothes tightly. I FINALLY received almost all of the last outfit she wore before I had that horrible conversation with a man I never met in a doctors coat avoiding eye contact with me as he told me my daughter was "dead" . That hellish nightmare of a day haunts me even when I'm awake. 

All that being said, I'm so glad to have my baby girl is home, in its own strange way it brings me peace. Today marks a new day for my little family and I. God has made things so clear for me, He has spoken to this broken heart and told me how to fix it, some of the pieces are missing but the heart can still beat on. I am grateful for his little lights of comfort, the angels who have held my hand in this life and the next. I love you Kenna Bear, good night and welcome home.

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