The first balloon ever released...

The first balloon ever released...

Friday, June 13, 2014

2 months

Yesterday marks 2 months. 

So much has changed in such a short amount of time, it feels like a lifetime since I have seen her face. Was it really only 2 months ago we were laughing and playing, throwing tantrums, reading books, fighting over which bow to put in her hair???  

The day she passed away I was studying for finals, just a week and a half of finals left and FINALLY I would be on break and go on vacation with the kids. I was so excited, it was my only motivation to keep studying and pushing forward just a few more days. Zach wasn't going to be able to come with us and although I was bummed out I remember thinking to myself "that's OK, this will give me some really good one on one time with the kids." 

Of course I ended up missing finals completely and the break just flew bye.

When school started again, their was no one to get ready except me,  no one to drop off except me,  no one to make breakfast for except me.  It killed me,  I cried too and from school everyday but eventually I learned the faster I got to school the easier it was to avoid the thought of her not being here so I started to show up at school at 7am just to throw my schedule completely off.

Then it all changed again this past week,  Dominic finished school and now I was going to have to take Zoe to my sisters and Zach take little man to daycare. It didn't even cross my mind if this would trigger anything at all until i walked in the door to wake her up and the first words out of my mouth were "Good morning Kenna Bear!" Zoe shot up sleepy but with a huge smile. Tears filled my eyes as I grabbed her and hugged her close, I am so grateful for my little Zoe but at the moment how I wished my Kenna Bear could be here too. 

Even after I started changing her clothes and getting her ready to go i found myself slipping and calling her McKenna. This is not the first time that I have had my "mix ups" I've walked to pick her up from nursery after church, I've ordered her food at restaurants, I still call her room  "McKenna's room". 

This week was rough, finally getting the urn, the change of schedules, and it being 2 months since I've seen that cheesy crooked grin I find myself desperate for peace. When Satan screams in my ear "this is only getting WORSE, no one cares  about your SUFFERING, the Lord does not hear your plea for HELP, this life is just filled with MISERY and UNFAIRNESS, you will NEVER FIND HAPPINESS." I scream even louder to God "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME! DO YOU SEE ME DOWN HEAR IN THIS HOLE! WHERE ARE YOU???" 

I hear a tiny whisper but an even stronger wrenching tug on my heart... 
"I see you, I hear you, I am with you, I know you, I know your pain, I am proud of you, you are strong, you will get through this, I will show you, I will bring you up, I will give you peace, I will show you a love and understanding greater then anything you have ever known, not only will you get through this but you will HEAL, know that she is with me, she is happy, she is at peace, she is prefect, she sees you, she is proud of you and we both love you so much."

Who better to understand me then the Savior himself? Who lost His son in an unfair way, who watched their son suffer due to a unkind world, who showed us all that there is life after death? I am so grateful for that promise, I am so grateful for eternity with my daughter, that she is not just ashes in a glass cage but that she is alive and well, waiting to see me again and watching over our family. I thank God for all that I have and even all that I have lost. I am humbled by the love He pours out on me over and over again. "Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured" and I will find my way there one day at a time with my family, my angel, and my God by my side.

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