"I love you too"

Ever since McKenna's death I find myself feeling a ton of regret. I know they say it's "normal and don't feel that way" but that advice does not seem to be working at the moment. Every "good" parenting thing I have ever done seems to be getting automatically erased and replaced with a bad memory. Every time I lost my temper, didn't show enough affection, and the worst of them all...decided to do something stupid (like play on my phone or watch TV) rather then play with her. OH IT STINGS when I think about that! I hate the idea that I was goofing off on some time killer activity instead of creating more memories with her. I know that it's "normal" and we all need a break and to be honest I am not someone who spends a lot of time on the TV or computer but still I HATE IT! How I wish I could turn back the time, even it if it's just to hear her throw one more tantrum (she had some really great tantrums)!

I was having a really difficult time shaking off the guilt even though everyone on Gods green earth had reassured me that I was the best mother on the planet and deserve some kind of metal of honor but as kind as their words were, it just wasn't taking the feelings away. A few weeks later I was really letting myself "have it", my guilt and conscious were having a full on boxing fight over if I was really all that awesome of a mom or even a descent mom at best! As I could feel the pain in my chest getting tighter and tighter a song started playing in my head. Without even noticing, I started singing the words out loud and then began to cry. I knew this song, it was very close to my heart, it was a song I wrote for all 3 of my kids soon after my youngest Zoe was born.

I come from a family of singers, we love to sing, none of us have any intentions of singing professionally or getting famous. We just like to "belt it out"! We like to harmonize, sing while we clean, sing while we drive, sing to people, sing by ourselves, we are your modern day Disney princesses here to sing for no reason. The one thing I personally love to do is write songs. I have written many songs and have shared a handful of them. I just enjoy expressing myself through music, very similar to how I enjoy writing my feelings out for this blog. Most of my songs have nothing to do with me, they are just made up songs about life (a lot of them are re-mixes just for a good laugh). Only 2 songs have been written for a specific purpose, 1 was for my husband on our 1 year anniversary and the 2nd was the song I wrote for my children.

I remember when I wrote this song I started crying (what-a-softy) but the words could not be more true on how I really feel about my children. I wanted them to have something to sing when they felt worried, scared, or unloved so they would always know their mother loved them no matter what they were doing. Whether they moved far away or I passed away, they would always have it and someday sing it to their own children. This song was suppose to bring them comfort, and now ironically it is bringing comfort to me. Whenever I start beating myself up about maybe I wasn't a good ENOUGH mom, maybe I didn't show ENOUGH love, maybe I wasn't there ENOUGH, this song creeps into my ear and reminds me that I AM ENOUGH. I wrote this song with all the love a mother can have for a child, I didn't write it to get the most views or become a YouTube sensation, I did it because I love my kids and this is a token of my love to them. When they hear it they will know that they are never alone and I am one proud momma, no matter how far away they may seem.

I can't express enough how hard it is to loose a child and even worse to not even be there OR EVEN BE AWARE of their last moments in life. You weren't there to comfort them, to hold them, TO SAVE THEM. It leaves a pit in your stomach knowing your child had their last breath and you were simply not there. Even though she drowned and was never resuscitated, I would give the world and back to have been there myself. At least I could have had the closure in knowing that I did everything I could do to try and bring her back. Showing up at the hospital with her already being pronounced dead was so confusing. HOW? I am her mother, I brought her into this world and if she HAS to leave early, why couldn't I have been there to see her leave? I kept asking the nurses over and over again, "Are you sure you did everything? There is nothing left to do? How long did you try? Are you sure you can't try again? Are you sure it won't change anything???"

I love my children, they are always on my mind, and even though my life is upside down right now they always make me smile. I sang this song to them often, I still do. Kenna knew the chorus, Dominic knows most of the words, and Zoe just smiles.

There are countless memories I have of McKenna and I singing together (she LOVED singing) but this song specifically reminds me of bedtime. She would be curled up in her bed, I would rub my fingers through her hair and sing her our "good night" songs. Sometimes I would sing this song and other times we would sing different ones. I would quietly whisper the songs to her and she would softly sing the words along with me, she had a very good memory for music, even for a 2 year old she always seem to know the words to every song we sang (and if she didn't she would just make them up). We would finish a song and before I could even catch my breath to say "Ok, night Kenna Bear" she would whisper and hold up her little finger "One more mommy, one more" and I would fall for it every time "Ok, but LAST ONE, no more after this" "ok mommy, last one" and then we would repeat this cycle until I finally forced her to bed. Sometimes I would hold her in my arms while we sang, those are my favorite moments. I am thankful for all the happy memories that come with this song, I am grateful I sang of my love to my daughter, I hope in heaven she is still singing this song and knowing with every word how much her mother loves and misses her.