The first balloon ever released...

The first balloon ever released...

Friday, June 13, 2014

1 month

Today marks the first month of McKenna being gone and I am still in disbelief.  I keep waiting for reality to sink in that my daughter really isn't on some vacation and will be home soon but that she IS GONE! She is not coming back home to ME, she is waiting for me to come back home to her.  

It feels like it has only been a week since I found out,  there is a giant wound open and infected oozing for all the world to see and yet I am suppose to move forward???  Not only does that seem impossible but it feels SO WRONG.

How can I move forward? How can I leave her behind? How can I pretend to be happy when I'm not?  How can I not tell everyone who insist on asking how I'm doing that "I'm OK" when in reality all I want to say is "I lost my daughter and I miss her so much". 

I start school tomorrow and my make up finals today and I have never dreaded going back to school so much in my life. It signifies that I have to keep moving,  I have to socialize and talk about things that do not always revolve around her, I have to interact with people who have never met her or even heard of her, I have to somehow make my brain focus on studying even though I honestly don't even care about my education right now. 

It's not that I will never move forward,  it's not that I won't be happy again, it's just the fact that moving forward is accepting her death.  Moving forward is knowing that from now on I will be the mother who lost a child, moving forward means this really is "my story" and I am starting a new chapter in my life and...  I am not ready to accept that.  

Right now I just want to mourn.  No distractions,  no reality,  just mourn the loss of a beautiful angel who only exist in memories and heaven. I realize that this will never end,  I realize that even though you move forward you never move on, I realize that from now on everything will just be my "new normal" and eventually I will have to accept that but today... I will not.

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