Starting back at school last week was even harder then I already predicted it would be. Not only did I make up 7 exams that I missed (and still have 1 more to go) but I am trying to keep up with the first week of school material and already I feel like I am failing. I have all the help a human being could possibly ask for but the one thing I need the most help with can't be helped!
I need my daughter back, I need my life to go back to the simple beautiful life that it was, I need to hold her and tell her how much I love her but I cant, there is no going back, only looking back and while I am looking back there the rest of the world keeps moving forward and is dragging me in its trails. It is so difficult to focus because most of the time I feel like I am trying to hold my head up as if to say, "don't mind me, nothings wrong here".
Trying to remind myself how important school is right now seems so trivial. WHO CARES, you want to fail me then GO AHEAD, at the end of the day when I lay my head down I won't be thinking about all the information being thrusted down my throat, I will still be fantasizing about a little blonde girl, playing on the trampoline and laughing uncontrollably as her daddy and brother pretend to chase her.
I'm stuck somewhere between her death and life, half the time I'm crying I'm not even sure what started it. Sometimes I will be doing something and I will feel my heart pounding out of my chest and I will think to myself "what's wrong with me?" and then I realize I am in her room... which is now Zoe's room... picking out an outfit for Zoe... where her clothes use to be only a little over a month ago.
I'm not bitter, I'm just sad, I'm not angry, I just miss her, I'm not trying to be negative, I just can't help that it hurts to be here without her and everything else that use to seem so important just feels so obsolete.
All I can focus on is the one thing that gives me comfort, my new obsession, my life long goal. What do I need to do to make sure that we get back to her? If she saw me right now would she be proud? What can I do? Who can I help? What can I say? I will do anything to be by her side, I never want another moment to pass that didn't honor her for the real angel that she is. I know that she wants to see me too so when it's my turn to go and I stand before God and her, there will be no hesitation, no questioning, no doubts. My daughter and I will be together again, I just have to wait longer then I would like.
I love you Kenna-Bear, good night <3