The first balloon ever released...

The first balloon ever released...

Sunday, April 12, 2015

One Year "Angel-Anniversary"

Today I am going to keep it short and sweet. There really isn't much to say on such a somber occasion. This is the first entry I ever wrote in my personal journal to McKenna after she passed away. I feel like it is a good summary of my feelings of her today. Just goes to show time does not change much when it comes to the love you have for your child. I feel just as strongly as I did when I wrote this a little less then a year ago.

" It's been 1 week and 1 day since you have passed away. It's hard to believe it's already been a week. Sometimes it feels like it has been a year, others only a day. I dreamed of you for the first time last night which has made this day even harder to bare. It's Easter Sunday, the whole family is here, everyone excited to do the egg hunt, eat candy and hang out. I can never seem to get you off my mind, not even for a second. I am always thinking of our time together or imagining the time we could have had together. I can easily imagine you doing the Easter egg hunt, You would have loved it so much. I know how clever you are, you would have had it figured out in no time, I can just see the joy on your face with every egg you found and even more excitement once you realized there was candy inside of it. I wish we could have really shared this memory. I wish you were here, I wish I had more then just dreams and a lock of your hair. It's hard to breath, it's hard to eat, it's hard to speak. The dream of you last night was bitter sweet. It was so good to see you last night. I held you in my arms and told you how much I loved you. For some reason you didn't have a voice but you kept mouthing to me that you loved me too with your beautiful sweet smile. You embraced all my kisses and hugs, you petted my face the way you always have. I asked why you couldn't just stay here with me even though you didn't have a voice but you just continued to hug and kiss me and mouth to me "I love you". We did this till I woke up at 5am to your little sister crying. I fed her but found it impossible to go back to sleep. McKenna I love you so much. I can't say that enough. I miss you beyond words. This house is not a home with out you in it. The service Friday was beautiful. Daddy says he knows you were there and I know you loved the balloons. Over 300 pink balloons were released with 300 messages to you. I don't know how it works over there but I hope you got to read them. I hope you hear me when I talk to you, I hope you can feel my love for you. I know that God made the weather perfect, I know He let me have the bright blue skies on a beautiful spring day and for that I am grateful. Although the funeral was to say "goodbye" we both know that's not possible. I love you Kenna Bear, love always, Mom." 

That last sentence is what I chose to have as my short summary of what my blog is about under the title picture. I know I can never and will never truly say goodbye to her. She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mom. I love her with all of my body, heart and soul. I still can't believe it's been a year since I have seen and felt that sweet face. I love you angel. I hope your one year in Heaven has been absolutely amazing. I can't wait to hear all about it when we are reunited, until then, I will never stop missing you. 

Here are a few of the last pictures I ever took of her </3

We did a "Tough Mudder" in honor of McKenna's one year anniversary.  
I felt like it was symbolic of how "tough" it has been without her. 
I am blessed to have a very beautiful angel in heaven and a beautiful family here on earth too. 

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