A New Year

Between McKenna's birthday, school finals, my 5 year anniversary with Zach, Christmas, and today being New Years Eve my emotions have been on a rampage of craziness. One minute I am convinced I am doing better, that life is not so dark and everything has happened for a reason. The next minute I find myself in a pit of despair, sinking lower and lower into a hole that can never be filled. It's chaos in my mind! A guarantee way to loose your sanity is by loosing a child. You get so much advice "time will make it better, time doesn't help anything, try to stay busy, relax and just let yourself mourn, don't push yourself to move forward, you have to keep moving, stay strong, it's ok if you can't handle it". I mean honestly, it is so overwhelming and confusing. I am someone who prides myself on being neutral. What does that mean exactly? Well to me it is someone who keeps a level head at all times, doesn't over react when someone pisses you off, doesn't cry when their feelings get hurt. You logically think through situations before making a statement, don't react on other people's behaviors, stay "cool, calm, and collected". Your not easily offended and basically you don't show emotion in emotional situations. I don't know why this is important to me but it always has been and I wouldn't say I have mastered it but I am definitely good at keeping my emotions at bay.

Now all of that has changed. My emotions are raw and tender, for the first time in my life I find myself crippled by one statement someone just said in passing. I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I cry in public, I cry in the car, I cry, cry, cry. It's exhausting and I hate it. I miss the old Shannon who would say things like "I can't remember the last time I cried about something", oh how innocent I once seemed. Of course crying is just one part of the large concoction called "grief". Fits of rage, anger, disappoint, bitterness, and my least favorite lashing out on others. I have caught myself SO MANY TIMES pulling out the "verbal whip". Sometimes I am able to keep it in my head and brute over it all day like a spoiled teenager, other times the words just fall out. The worst part is the look I get after I say it. People are not use to that side of me, it definitely surprises them when someone who use to do anything to stay out of fight, now just bit their hand off for making a comment that wasn't even slightly offensive. After the "look" I instantly know I screwed up and the guilt hits hard. I try to apologize and so badly want to say "I'm sorry, grief has changed me" but never actually spit out the whole sentence, I just say I'm sorry and walk away. For some reason I have convinced myself that finishing that sentence sounds like an excuse. Like when people say "I'm sorry, I'm just being honest" but their not really being honest, they are just justifying being mean and I can't stand that!

It's been a learning experience to say the least and since I have tried so hard to be "neutral" my whole life I find myself behind the learning curve of emotions. I remind myself of a robot who has just been programmed to have "feelings". Surprisingly though there has been a lot of positives from this as well. I have learned that emotions are a great thing too and being neutral is imprisoning in a way. Emotions show who you are, having an emotional reaction doesn't mean that you are always over reacting (which for some reason is what I had convinced myself it was). Being emotional doesn't mean that you are a chick flick waiting to explode with sappiness. They are your genuine feelings, they are your pain, suffering, joy, excitement, and a sign that you are a human with flaws and beauty. I will be the first to admit that emotionally I am a disaster right now but I have seen a side of myself that was not their before... and if it was I was smothering it in the background snuffing out what I thought was it's ugly head. I have allowed myself to open up and accept that I am no longer neutral and no longer want to be. I don't want to be the person who gets verbally abused by someone else and just takes it because I tell myself "they are just hurt and taking it out on me, it's ok, they are just words and they don't mean it". I don't want to be the one who stares at people when they cry because I don't know how to handle their tears of pain. I no longer want to avoid standing up for myself because I fear that I will hurt someone else's feelings.

All of these lessons have come with a price,  the good and the bad. I have had to apologize many times and show others I am not the pillar of strength that I once was but I have also had to learn that I don't need to be the person that always apologizes. My whole life I have struggled to see the line of when things where considered my fault or someone else's and would make restitution with people just to play it on the safe side and that's not ok. The reason that it's not ok is because that is a one sided relationship, if you are having to go out of your way every single time their is a disagreement to appease someone then that means you are the only one who is trying. You are the only one who cares. You are the only reason the relationship is working and that is not fair. During all this time of "figuring myself out" I of course have thought a lot about the people who have met this new me and I have changed the way I check myself to make sure I am not lashing out on others. I no longer ask myself "Are you reacting emotionally right now?" but instead say "Are you being reasonable?" That question has shifted my perspective, it allows me to still have my emotions with it's reactions but doesn't allow me to stomp all over others. This has been a helpful tool in the last few months especially in dealing with my family who has abandoned me and my family since McKenna's death.

This has also completely changed my marriage. One of the reasons I was so attracted to Zach when I first met him is because I realized that he too was a "neutral". He was always calm, he hated fighting, and was never quick to be offended. Marriage is easy when you have 2 people who are always trying to avoid confrontation. I have mentioned before how Zach is the main receiver of my full on crazy. Lucky for me he had a better handle on his emotions prior to McKenna's death then I did so he has taken me on with great stride. The number one thing we were both preached on at counseling was communication. Although Zach and I have a great relationship, we have never had to deal with such emotional turmoil before and this was new territory for both of us. Zach was so worried he would burden me with his pain that he constantly portrayed himself as this strong warrior who could felt nothing. While I on the other hand was crippled, I had never been good at expressing myself and now I had all of these new feelings that were even harder to describe and I didn't know what to do with them. For months I would wait for him to go to sleep so that I could let it all out and only show him the tip of the iceberg of anguish I was feeling. I honestly have no idea why I did that, at the time I just hated to see myself so riddled with confusion. I felt like I was back in middle school and figuring out what "hormonal" meant and why it applied to me.

I liked being the "stable" one, I liked always knowing how to react to situations, I liked having my emotions locked up and whipped into shape but now I was none of those things. Here I am 25 years old, 3 children, 2 alive, and pregnant with one more. I own my own home, car, about to graduate from grad school and have been happily married for 5 years and NOW I am having to ask myself "who am I?". I am having to start all over again, I am having to pick up the pieces and put them back together except now chunks are missing and I don't know what to replace them with. I am a new person, I am no longer the woman I have been and have worked so hard to become for the last 25 years. I am weak, I am unstable, I am vulnerable, I am emotional. Having to rediscover yourself is not as fun as the movies make it out to be. It doesn't get resolved in a nice hour and a half segment then wrapped up in a happily ever after. Some of the pieces you think are a good idea to replace for the missing one's are a mistake then your back to square one, some days you wake up and hate everything you have become and the reason you are here, other days you give yourself a break and finally tell yourself that you are doing a good job and come to peace with the new creation you have formed. This has been going on for 8 months, soon to be 9 and everyday is a new battle.

Zach and I are learning to watch each others back more. We both struggle approaching one another and speaking candid. What has helped the most is just asking a simple question "how are you doing?". This has taken the pressure off of pretending everything is ok because it is so rare when someone genuinely ask you this question that you can't just say "Good, how are you?". You have to stop and give a human response, admitting that it was a tough day, that you had a break down in the car by yourself, that you saw a little girl who looked like her today and it tore your heart apart. It has still been a struggle, both of us worry about burdening the other. For me, as I have stated in other post, my greatest time of trial is at night. Like clock work every time we hit the lights and say we are really going to bed she pops into my head and instantly I feel the tears wanting to come out. No matter how many times Zach has told me to wake him I just can't bring myself to do it. He is so busy, he wakes up around 5am to get himself up and drop Zoe off at my sisters. Then he purposefully gets to work early to make sure things are in order. Then he normally ends up having some crazy day and staying a little later then planned. Then he strolls in around 6pm usually after he has stopped by the grocery store on his way home and begins to make dinner. After dinner he gets the kids ready for bed, plays with them a little, reads scriptures, then a book of their choice and finally has his down time.

How can I intrude or ask any more of him? He does EVERYTHING and I know he does. What do I do all day you might ask? School. That's it. Just school! School, school, and more school! I am in a full time, accelerated graduate program that goes by trimesters so you only get a 2 week break before another semester starts. I have always struggled to keep up, especially in a medical program  where I have taken more then 30 hours in just one trimester and it consumes my life. It's so frustrating when you love being a mom and a wife but are constantly being ambushed with exams, homework, and other school responsibilities. Zach has always been so kind and understanding about it. He has never treated me like I was dumb or slow, he has never called me out or told me that I am useless around the house. All he ever tells me on almost an every day basis is how proud he is of me and he wishes he could do more FOR ME! He truly is insane! So the other night I began to weep silently to myself and Zach asked if I was ok, I thought he was asleep and tried my best to hold my quaking voice enough to tell him I was just thinking about McKenna but he saw right through the charade and told me to let it out. After confessing to him why I hated to keep him up he swore on his life that he wanted nothing more then to be there for me, so I let him... I don't think I have ever cried so hard in front of another human being in my whole life. I am positive that not even my own parents have seen me so broken.

We laid there in the dark as he stroked my hair gently, I could feel his agony, I could feel that it hurt him to see me in pain just like it would affect me if I saw him suffering that way and all I could get out was "I'm so sorry, I just want our baby girl back home, I just want her to come home." He continued to hold me as I for the first time allowed someone to see how much I really do hold back. Even in that dark moment I knew something beautiful had come from that cry. We had reached a new level in our marriage. We had seen each other at our highest high and now at our lowers low, we had discovered that we no longer had to endure this pain alone. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that, I have always trusted Zach full heartily but the idea of showing myself, admitting that I am not the strong woman everyone says I am, I am not the positive ray of sunshine that I use to be, I am lost, confused, and in pain seemed impossible. Words can only take me so far, tears are small glimpse of the reality we live in but to let the walls down, to let the flood gates open, and show one person in this universe all that I have been holding in not only with McKenna but with myself, my family, my friends, and even my faith, that is the full story. The same story that we all have but struggle to express. Since our vacation to Colorado for Christmas this year I have been slowly showing my husband these emotions and 3 nights ago in the 5 years that we have been married I gave him my all and I have never known such love.

It reminds me of what our Savior must feel for us. Just a glimpse of His love and compassion for us trying to make it on our own down here. Convinced we are alone, forgotten and forsaken. Yet there He is, the Comforter, the Prince of Peace, the Healer of all things waiting for us to open up and bare our souls to Him. Why is it so hard to do this? Why are we so protective over who gets to see what and how much they get to see. Because it feels like a freak show, at least to me it does. You see crazy stuff on the internet and entertainment media all the time but that's not how people really act. People will judge, condemn, and forever keep that image of you and the time you acted out. There is barely forgiveness or a kind notion, just empty words and something to gossip about. Everyone loves to say "Your over-reacting", make jokes that your on your "period", complain that you are sensitive. We live in a de-sensitized world. We have seen it all and can Google it in a second if we haven't. There are no boundaries and yet when real people encounter true heart ache we don't know what to do with them. We time them, give them a moment to mourn, pick and choose what we deem appropriate reactions and then we sit and wait to see what happens. I know this because I have done it. I have shown this type of judgment first hand. I never understood how difficult it is to navigate through this pain until I lost my own.

This year has been the most I have ever learned and it's not because of school, seminars, or workshops. I have learned the benefit and curse of emotions. I have learned when to show forgiveness and when to walk away. I have learned that time is not as promising as everyone makes it out to be. I have learned that the love of Christ goes deeper then anything I could ever comprehend and that I can't just sit here waiting for it to smack me in the face. I need to dig it up, study it, learn it, love it, and apply it in my own life then maybe I will get a shimmer of understanding of how much my Savior truly loves me. It is more then my husband and my children combined. His love can fill those missing pieces of my soul but it won't happen over night. It takes time, love, dedication, and patience.

I know this is true and in a way must believe it because I would hope with all of my heart that McKenna is with someone who can show her all the love in the world right now. Someone who can guide my tiny 3 year old through that heavenly kingdom never letting her feel a moment of fear or loneliness. Someone who will wait patiently by her side till I can return to my motherly duties for her. The only person I can think of who would show such genuine interest in my own child is the Creator Himself. The One who not only made me, but made her for me. He will love and cherish her in every possible way, never falling short of His responsibilities because He is perfect and I am so blessed that she has all of that and more because she deserves the very best. It's hard to believe that we are starting a year that she will never be apart of. I can't believe that she was only here from 2011-2014. Who would have ever thought it would go bye so fast and end so quickly. I wish she was here to celebrate this new year with us but I know she is where she needs to be. I love you Kenna Bear, Happy New Year baby girl, I hope you know how much we truly love and miss you.

Our Christmas trip to Colorado this year 

 6 months preggo

 My Christmas present from Zach

(I had a weird allergic reaction to my original ring when we first got married and then lost it soon after so I couldn't wear it.) 

 Finally hung McKenna's painting in our hallway by the front door. I put her little face at kissing height so I can give her a peck on my way in and out every day. 

3rd Birthday

Well I know I haven't written in a while but as I mentioned in the previous blog, November was a tough month.

McKenna's birthday was November 17th, as a family we were unable to celebrate it that day due to school, work, and the every day craziness of our lives. We decided to celebrate it today during the Thanksgiving break when we all knew we would have a little more down time. The day of McKenna's birthday was difficult. Many friends and family members released balloons in her honor while Zach and I did our best just to function and try to pretend it was a normal day. I had several break downs but thankfully we are blessed with many people who love and support us unconditionally which carried our family through the day. Even though I could not "celebrate" on her birthday I was trying very hard to figure out how exactly I wanted to "celebrate" McKenna's birthday when the time came.

I knew I didn't just want to release balloons. It's honestly become a depressing activity in my life and is a strong reminder of the day of her funeral. I also didn't want to have any type of birthday style party because that sounded even more depressing. After discussing with Zach we decided we wanted to do something along the lines of a "random acts of kindness" service. We bounced around between 100's of ideas anything from performing service at a children's hospital to leaving money at vending machines with a little note. I knew whatever we did I wanted Dominic to be the heart and soul behind this project. We were starting a new tradition. I wanted us to do a service every year on her birthday that not only brought all of us joy but a true reminder of who our little Kenna Bear was and still is.

This morning I flipped through pinterest, after pinterest, and even google to get ideas of what we could do that was a service, reminded us of McKenna, and would be at Dominic's understanding level. I found nothing. It was only 10:30am and I was already beginning to feel defeated. The blame started setting in, "Why didn't I plan this better. I know I'm busy but I should have made more time. This is going to look like I half-a**'d it and I don't want it to look that way." Once again Zach and I went back and forth with ideas, I just wanted something simple, is that even possible? Finally I had a light bulb moment. "What if we just bought some little stuffed animals (preferably bears) tide a balloon around them with a note attached about McKenna and passed them around at a park?" YES! I HAD FOUND A WINNER! It was simple, it was sweet, and Dominic could hand it to any little kid he wanted. It was perfect.

Zach, Dominic, and I hopped in the car to go get the supplies. It took us a few stores to find the stuffed animals we were looking for at an affordable price. We ended up finding some very cute and fluffy ones. They were not all bears but most of them were and they were in many different colors so it could easily be for a boy or a girl. We picked up 20 stuffed animals, printed 20 notes about McKenna, and 25 pink balloons (5 for our family to release at the end.) Running the errands was time consuming and I could feel something over taking me. It was an old habit that I thought I had long overcome. It was creeping it's way up into my brain and it was whispering to me "Everything must be perfect!".

When I first married Zach 5 years ago I had a very bad control problem when it came to parties, events, crafts, outings, cleaning, and pretty much EVERYTHING! I would obsess over perfection. I knew how to make things look exactly the way they "should" down to folding an invitation perfectly or deep cleaning every nook and cranny of my house. I would spend hours on simple projects and stay up all night until it was perfect. No one would notice the detail or the effort, most never thought twice about such perfectionism but I didn't care. I loved it and everything was in order just the way it would be in a magazine. I would spend all my time at parties cleaning up after people and constantly reorganizing anything that might have gotten slightly moved around so that the decorations would look perfect at all times. I would be so surprised and even disappointed when the party was already over because I had barely spoken to anyone or really got to enjoy the party.

I know many of you don't really know my husband but if you take the paragraph above and say the opposite of every single sentence that's who he is. He is Mr. Laid-back-No-worries-Everything-will-work-out-exactly-how-it's-suppose-too. At first it drove me crazy but with time I realized that he was right. All of that obsessing was worthless! Wasting hours upon hours on perfection just for no one to even notice the detail except me was insane. I was ruining what should have been an easy going fun event with my perfectionism and realized that I was kind of a party pooper! So, with much effort and even more time I learned to stop a habit that I had my whole life and began to enjoy the beauty of simplicity. I still enjoy making things look nice and putting full effort into projects but when I feel that tinge of crazy come out I just stop and walk away from the situation. I then realize it was perfect just the way it was minus all the stress. Ultimately it led to a lot less disappointed and ended with a lot more satisfaction. I was so proud the day I realized I kicked this problem in the butt.

But here I was today riding in the car and I could feel it. I could feel that urge to make sure everything was exactly how it should be. I kept rehearsing the details of what we were going to do over and over again in my head to make sure that I did not miss a thing and that all was going according to plan. I guess my husband could sense this and nailed it on the head as we were driving around by saying "I don't want you to base this day on how perfect everything goes or how long it takes. That's not what its about ok?" "I know, I just want everything to be nice." I responded and tried to act like my statement wasn't a complete lie but before we even made it to the parking lot of our next destination I was in tears. Feelings of frustration that all of my efforts might be in vain were already dominating me and on top of that I could tell I was making him miserable because I was acting like a brat. The guilt along with my lovely emotions dragged out our errands and instead of stopping to get control of myself I pushed through and just let myself become uglier.

We got to the park and began to tie the balloons to the animals. We did this because we thought it would be easiest to pick up the balloons last and finish up everything at the park. This was a big mistake. It was surprisingly windy and all the balloons kept getting twisted and knotted together AFTER we had tied the dolls to them. Zach was trying to spread them further apart by putting them on the ground which was UNACCEPTABLE to me and I yelled at him for getting the dolls dirty. Then a big gush came and 5 balloons flew out of the car. "WELL GREAT, THERE GOES THE BALLOONS WE WERE SUPPOSE TO RELEASE" I yelled at him as if he didn't already feel bad he had let them escape. I continued to cut my husband down and scream out loud what a complete failure this was as I attempted to finish the job. Trying to untangle the balloons was literally impossible. There was no where for me to hide from the wind and every time I undid one knot it was quadrupled by another push of wind. As I watched a few of McKenna's notes slip away and 3 more balloons fly out of the car the monster had finally taken complete control.

"THIS IS A DISASTER! I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SOMETHING NICE AND SIMPLE AND IT HAS ALL FALLEN APART! I HATE THIS! NONE OF THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH! DONT TOUCH ME!!!" Tears burned out of my eyes as I continued to resist comfort from Zach and yanked my arm away from him when he tried to pull me in for a hug to calm me down. He maintained composure even though I was glaring at him as if this was somehow all his fault. He replied with only positive comments promising that it was great and not all was lost. We still had 17 balloons and it was going to be wonderful. I didn't believe him. I really wanted to sulk in the car while they handed out our gifts to the kids at the park. This day sucked.

We finally figured out if we just wrapped the entire string around the animals they would no longer get tangled up. We had to cut all the strings off the dolls we had previously done and pull the balloons out one by one because they were so intertwined. Some of the holes we had punched out for McKenna's paper had ripped so we had to punch new stabbed out looking holes into different parts of the paper instead which looked terrible. I tried to take deep breaths and calm down but I eventually succumbed to the "I don't give a crap anymore" attitude that I tend to get when I have reached my limit. What should have only taken us 20 minutes to set up with no casualties of missing balloons or crumpled pieces of paper had now taken us over an hour. We had finally finished. We took some pictures. I forced a smile. Then we went to work.

I loved watching Dominic hand out the balloons to the kids. Most of them were afraid and unsure of him. They would run to their parents and stare. Dominic showed no fear. He would continue to follow them and offer the little dolls till finally they accepted his gift with a smile. Many parents kept asking "How much?" or "What is this for?". Dominic would answer every single one of their questions without me even telling him what to say "there free" or "because McKenna died". I watched them take the balloons with confusion on why someone would give them a free doll and balloon. I tried not to gawk as I waited for them to read the note and see their reactions.

This is what the note said: On April 21, 2014 we lost our beautiful baby girl McKenna Eve Bundy. November 17th of this year would have been her 3rd birthday. As a family we decided to celebrate this day by doing "random acts of kindness". So please accept this gift and release this balloon in honor of our daughter so everyone can get a glimpse of her sweet love. We were blessed to have her for the short 2 1/2 years that we did. Our life goal is to be the ray of sunshine in other people's lives just like she was in ours every single day. Enjoy today knowing that you are loved and this did not happen by coincidence, our daughter wanted us to do this just for you! If you would like to learn more about our "Kenna Bear" and the story behind the pink balloon you can visit our family blog at "apinkballoonforyou.BlogSpot.com"

It lifted a burden off of me to see that first balloon released by a couple and their young son. They smiled as they let it go and my heart was happy that they understood the note and were happy to be apart of our little world for just this tiny moment. As we continued to watch Dominic pass out balloons I could feel my anxiety and craziness calming down but for some reason could not keep the beast from being rude to Zach. It was like an out of body experience. I didn't want to treat him that way, I knew I was being a jerk and I hated it. If anyone knows Zach and I they know that we don't really fight. In the 5 years that we have been married we have rarely fought, occasional heated discussions of course but nothing really beyond that. To be 100% honest we have never had a full blown "level 10 alert" fight either. I don't know why the Lord chose to bless me with such a great husband but I know it was a very tender mercy indeed.

We finished up the balloons and walked back to the car. I tried to snap a few shots of the children walking around with the dolls. Some were still holding their balloons, others reading the note and releasing them. It was a very humbling moment to look out and literally see all those we had touched today. The evidence right in their hand. I stared out in the park and realized the last time I had been here was for McKenna's balloon release. Funny how I had noted every detail of today yet failed to realize the symbolism of celebrating her birthday with others and releasing balloons in her honor at the very same place we had held her ceremony. Just goes to show who really runs the show down here.

I sat in the car and still felt a sting of disappointment. I didn't want it to be there. I just wanted to feel satisfied with all that we had accomplished. It had been a tough day, tough week, hell a tough month but we made the very best of it. So why was I still in this mood? Why couldn't I just be grateful? Well the answer is obvious isn't it? Where is my daughter? How far away is Heaven? Does she see me down here in this abyss? Does she know how hard I'm trying despite my crappy attitude? Can her innocent 3 year old mind see past all of that and know I'm not ungrateful but in pain? That I don't know how to deal with these torturous feelings so I unintentionally lash out on the people I love? Even her own daddy? Can she still love me after that? I took a deep breath and thought to myself "I wish I could just feel you here with me. Please McKenna, I need you." I closed my eyes and waited to feel her embrace but nothing came. My face flushed and anger stung my heart. What have I done to deserve any of this?

I had been tuning everyone out in the car up until this point but my ears perked up when I heard Dominic singing a song I had not sung in a very long time. In fact, I had completely forgotten that I had ever taught him this song. It's called "Little Bunny Foo Foo". Its a silly song about a rabbit who wont behave and a fairy turns him into something (I always make that part up). I actually originally taught this song to McKenna. Before Dominic started kindergarten I took them both to a little friendly daycare down the street. I was still at the same college and as usual was the morning drop off for the kids. McKenna was not a morning person (just like her daddy) and would scream every morning in the car. The only way to avoid this was to sing her songs but usually she was unhappy with every song I sang, until I discovered "Little Bunny Foo Foo". She loved this song because it came with hand motions and was goofy. She would do the little bunny ears with her tiny fingers and then "bop" the bunny on the head for misbehaving. We sang it everyday for months. Dominic loved it at first too but quickly despised the song after being forced to hear it so many times.

He was now singing the song to his little sister Zoe, because she too was crying and grumpy from a long day at the park. He was doing the hand motions and she giggled wildly at his funny song. My heart stopped as it was flooded with memories I had completely forgotten about. Memories can feel like you found a million dollars when that's all you have left of a person. I felt my lips begin to tremble and the anger melt off. She was here with me. The hard part about loosing a loved one is not everyone is the same when it comes to feeling them around you. I struggle "feeling" McKenna around me. Others say they feel her, dream about her, and even see her. I rarely have any of these. I have had 3 dreams all together and have felt her presence a handful of times. Outside of that, nothing but when I heard that song I knew without a doubt that was my angel singing to me. Letting me know that Heaven is not as far away as it seems.

We finally went home and I asked if I could be alone for a little while to calm the last of my quivering nerves. Everyone went to the grocery store and I let all the tears out. All the anger, fear, disappointment, pain, and even the unexplainable attitude out. I punched my pillow, I held her doll that I sleep with, I cried out to God "WHY DID TODAY HAVE TO BE THAT DIFFICULT?" Then I crawled into my bed and looked at the photos we took of today. There were not many. Most of them are far away and slightly blurry but I knew McKenna had been there with us. I know it brought her joy to see us do good on her behalf. I mean what more could an angel in heaven want from us mortals? Faith, devotion, sacrifice, compassion, endurance, and unconditional love. These are all the traits our Heavenly Father wants us to have and that was shown by so many people in so many different ways today.

Yes, it was a tough day, a tough week, and a tough month but we got through it. Right now I lay next to my loving and compassionate husband knowing that despite all my behavior today he still loves me. I asked his forgiveness and without even a flinch or a put down that I easily deserved he embraced me with watery eyes and the comment "If anyone understands why you acted the way you did today, it's me". McKenna is a lucky girl to have a daddy who loves her so much that he will push through whatever trial stands in his way with a positive attitude to show her his love and devotion. Mommy has a lot more to learn from him.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kenna Bear. I meant every word I wrote in that note we passed out today. I will be lucky if I can hold a flame to the light you have left in our lives. I love you with all of my heart, body, and soul. I hope that you were able to celebrate your birthday without us in Heaven. I hope you know if we could be, we would be there with you too. Thank you for letting me know that you are always with me, no matter how much faith I lack. Never forget how much we all greatly love you.

P.S. When our 5 family balloons slipped out of the car this afternoon Dominic yelled out "well at least she got our balloons first.". He loved seeing you get the balloons from all the kids today. He asked us to buy you a birthday cake and even sing you happy birthday. Then we shared stories of all the funny memories you have left in his life. He loves and misses you very much. I know today was a special day for him too.

November

November use to be a big month in our family. We have McKenna's birthday the 17th, Zach and I anniversary the 21st and of course delicious Thanksgiving. I have always loved November. Texas starts to cool down and you get your first real taste of fall. The leaves slowly begin to change colors and you start to see the hats, boots and heavy coats come out. Since fall is a very short period in Texas I have always taken extra joy during this time but this year I have feared it. The holidays have officially started. Zach and I barely crawled out of Halloween and now we are about to face birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in just 2 months. That's a heavy load to dump on anyone even when there is nothing wrong let alone when you've lost a child. I have tried to embrace and accept the fact that this month will be a tough one and instead focus on how we as a family would like to honor McKenna on her birthday. We are really trying to change up the celebration style this year so we don't have to go through another experience like Halloween. I have some ideas floating around but nothing concrete yet. I will keep you updated.

We have continued to go to the family group counseling. The last 2 weeks have been a "dozey" to say the least. Last week they had these shattered pots. Every family member got 3 broken pieces. On the inside you were suppose to write things that had been hard since their death, what you felt like you had missed out on, what you were trying to overcome. On the outside you wrote what has helped you get through it and what was important to you now that they had passed. You could draw pictures or write something, whichever you preferred. Afterwards you would glue it all together and pick it up at the next meeting. They warned us before we started that it can be very emotional and many people cry. I thought to myself "Nah, this one is not going to make me cry. In fact this whole thing seems really silly." We sat down at our table and I picked my little broken pottery pieces. I was about to start writing when I looked up to see Dominic sit down across from me. I explained the project to him and then Zach asked him what he would like to write on the inside. My heart stopped as I heard my 6 year old son say something he had never talked about in front of me before "Write for me that... it was hard to watch you die in front of me". He said it as if he had just told him something very casual. There was no tears or emotion behind it. In fact he started coloring his outside piece and seemed delighted to be coloring.

Zach looked up at me as if didn't know what to do and I returned the look of bewilderment. Then he wrote it down and I realized that this project is not as silly as I thought it was going to be. I put a little more thought into what I wanted to say and 5 words in tears began to role down my checks. Dominic was having a blast coming up with ideas to draw on his pot and even drew a picture of McKenna dead at the bottom of a pool. He was happily jabbering away about everything and anything when he looked up and saw me quietly crying. "It's hard mom isn't it?" I looked up at him surprised that he had noticed and said "What is?" "It's hard to talk about it and not cry." I felt like my tongue had gone limp, I didn't know how to respond and all I could manage to get out was "yeah... it is". Then he went back to his usual up beat personality as I finished up my note. Children mourn completely different from anything I ever could have imagined. It's amazing to me how they can say things that are so sad and terrible like "watching you die in front of me" and then go back to singing and dancing like they didn't just drop a bomb in your lap while they draw a picture of their dead sibling. He did a few more sad things like he purposely drew a heart between 2 cracked pieces so it would show his broken heart but even then he showed it to me with pride rather then sadness.

I decided to just go with his flow. I talked about a few things that made me sad and did my best to smile through the words. If this was his way of opening up I didn't want to miss it. Dominic has talked to many other people about the day he found McKenna in the pool but not once as he ever said it to me. My son is a momma's boy, we have a very close bond and even at the young age of 6 I see him go out of his way to make sure he doesn't hurt me. I think that's why he won't talk about it with me, I also believe that's why he says things with a smile. Clearly he comprehends more then I thought he does with his comment on "it hard isn't it" but I guess to him it's more important to make sure he doesn't make me sad with what he says. I find it very sweet but very painful at the same time. I don't want him to worry about me, that's not his job! His job is to be 6! He is just suppose to be a silly, goofy, dirty and even a gross little boy with no burdens or images of his dead sister's body in his mind. Even though I know I have been very straight forward and open with him about my feelings because I have heard the worst thing you can do is hide it from them, he still handles it as if it's bad to make me cry and I'm not sure if this is "healthy" or not. It's very confusing but I'm grateful he shared that moment with me. Hopefully this will start opening up more doors for us.

The outside of the pot was a much better experience. I drew a little temple with pink balloons, hearts and a quote from one of McKenna's favorite songs. Zach of course made all of our drawings look like crap with a scenery shot of mountains, a river and flowers. He also drew each one of our faces as cartoons on the brim of the pot. Dominic drew the entire family with our ages above it (he does this a lot) and then became jealous of my temple. I really didn't think he would care and was happy he recognized it was a temple (I am not a very good artist). He started to pout and said that he wished he would have thought of it because the temple reminded him of McKenna too. After handling a minor meltdown and Dominic accidentally dropping his piece 3x shattering them into smaller pieces he finally got to draw a little temple too and beamed with joy over it. It was a good heart felt but emotional night and I was relieved to be done with the project.

The next week we picked up our little pot which came out really good surprisingly and were now given a new assignment. They had lined up a busy night for us with writing individual notes for McKenna to attach on purple balloons and release later that night. Then we were going to draw on a quilt square that would be made into a blanket to hang in the hallways of the building. Dominic was a little extra wound up that night and when we got outside to let go of the balloons there was suppose to be a moment of silence before we let it go. He accidentally let go of his balloon and immediately broke into tears. At first I felt frustrated with him because that whole day we had issues with listening but I decided to show my patient side and tried to comfort him by giving him my balloon. This did not seem to calm him down and finally I whispered to him "It's ok you let it go, now McKenna will get your note first that way it doesn't get lost in all the other balloons." This immediately silenced him and he smiled as he released Zach and my balloon. We watched them fly away and Dominic bragged about her getting his note first.

I felt a gentle tug on my heart. I felt heavy. I felt tired. That morning I had dreamed I was watching a video of McKenna drowning and I was so upset with myself for not saving her it woke me up. It had lingered with me all day and the balloon ceremony was a strong reminder of how dead she really was. Early that evening when we were writing our notes one of the counselors walked up to our family to check and make sure they had her name right for a candle light service we would be doing at our last meeting next week. "Her name is McKenna Bundy right? Did I spell her name correctly?" for some reason a lightening bolt of rage struck me and it took every ounce of control in me not to yell out at him and scream "I HATE YOU! Yes, we get it she's dead! How many more ceremonies and memorials do we have to do! SHE'S DEAD SHE'S DEAD SHE'S DEAD AND NONE OF THIS IS HELPING!" but I just looked at him and nodded my head, "Yes, that's right." Of course I didn't really hate him. He is honestly one of the nicest people I have ever met and this whole program is amazing. It was just one of those days where I woke up with a vision of my daughter drowning right in front of me and it wasn't going to be a good day.

I don't know why but I have always thought a little balloon floating away into a big sky was a beautiful thing. I watched my balloon float away but today felt emptiness. "Look at my lonely little balloon and it's not even really going to heaven. I wish it was..." We went back inside and split into our individual classes. This was the part I was looking forward too. "I hope everyone is having a crappy day too. I hope everyone is ready to let it out. I am ready to hear about some struggles so we can all share the pain. Lets get this started!" All the women sat down and the counselor said we would only be talking for a few minutes so that we would have time to work on our quilts. "Oh no, I don't want to do that. Didn't we pretty much do the same thing last week and today with the balloons? I need to hear some gut wrenching pain! I need these women to show me I'm not alone and how sucky it is to live in the real world when your mourning a child. I don't normally want to talk about my feelings but it's been a long day and I need to let it out!" I said this all in my head of course.

I saw a woman crying and thought "Ok, here we go!" but she ended up not saying a word even when the counselor tried to give her the floor to speak her mind. We went in a circle around the room and NO ONE HAD ANYTHING TO SAY! The one time I really wanted to hash it out and not one person was saying a peep! WHY??? I am terrible at communicating my struggles. I do best when someone opens up to me and then I feel comfortable opening up to them. It's part of this obsession I have with making sure the conversation is not 100% about me. I don't know why but I hate that! I don't like to be the center of attention and I DEFINITLY don't want to be the only person talking during grief GROUP! That's why it's a GROUP so we can ALL talk about our shared burden. This greatly discouraged me from saying anything and ended up joining in on the silence.

Since no one was talking we started our quilts early. I had no idea what to write and starred at the other quilts they already had hung on the wall. Many of them said "RIP" with a name on it. "Well that's extremely depressing, no thanks." I grumbled to myself. Now the other moms had started to talk except instead of talking about rough times they were laughing and joking about how terrible their quilt was coming out. "OF COURSE! Everyone is in a great mood and I am the grump in the corner over here. When will this day end!" I tried for a very brief moment to engage in the conversation but just couldn't do it. Not today. I zoned everyone out and stared at my empty quilt a little longer. What to put... what to put. A bunch of cheesy quotes came to my head that I have heard a 1000 times since Kenna's death but still wasn't satisfied with the idea. If I could leave one note on here, just one sentence to McKenna that I knew she would read, what would I want it to say? I know I wouldn't want it to be sad or depressing, it needed to be something happy and personal. How could I write anything even remotely positive when I felt so terrible all day? And then it came to me, the one thing I longed for more then anything. The one image I constantly day dreamed about. The one thing that if it really happened would make the last 6 months vanish in the blink of an eye. My "happy thought" when I got too sad. My every desire, my biggest dream, my greatest treasure.... giving my daughter a hug again.

I quickly scribbled away a crappy stick figure drawling of me on my knees giving McKenna a hug with one sentence stating "I can't wait to share this moment with you." I finished up just in time and turned my quilt in. I didn't say a word to one person that night. I hardly made eye contact with a single soul but I had done it. I had found my silver lining and all though it didn't take the hurt away it definitely brought me some comfort. On the way home that night I said everything I wanted to say in group to my husband. I told him how much I missed her. I missed getting her dressed in the mornings. I missed singing our songs together. I missed fighting over what shoes she would wear. I missed pretending that her hand was missing every time I put a shirt on her and couldn't get her arm out. I missed the way she smiled at me when she knew she had done something wrong. Listening to her stay up in her bed singing songs and telling stories even though she was suppose to be asleep. The way her head would rest against my leg with my hand on her head as we would walk down the hallway to leave day care and I would think to myself "Cherish this moment Shannon, one day she will be grown and you won't have this anymore."

I got part of that right but thank God it's not true. I will have this again. I will get her back. I will get to hold her. I will get to see her grow up and I will have her for eternity. It will be greater then I could ever try to imagine. November will be a hard month, the holidays will be a hard season, this journey will be hard for a life time but at least it's not forever! Heaven is real and it's for eternity. It's hard to see it but if I don't believe in that then what is the point of this life?  I have to hold on to the promise that everything happens for a reason and that there is a time and place for all things. My daughter died for a purpose bigger then I can comprehend and I know one day... some day...   I will see that promise fulfilled.

Ecclesiastes 3
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

What Dominic wrote for his balloon release.

That is McKenna in a cloud and she is watching over him. 

He drew a temple with her flying next to it as an angel.

Mine

Zach's

My quilt square

Zach's

Dominic's

Our broken pottery project:

Happy thoughts:

I drew the temple and Zach drew the faces above it of the whole family

Dominic's picture of him and Kenna

The rest of the family

His broken heart

Zach's scenery painting

Dominic's Temple

Our sad thoughts:

Zach

Mine at the bottom

Mine on the top and Zach's at the bottom

Dominic's says

"I miss you and I love you so much"

What Zach wrote for Dominic with

Dominic's drawing of McKenna drowning below it.

***This is what gives me hope***

Dominic drew this at school for his teacher all by himself.

The past: McKenna drowning

The present: This is our family all kneeling together in prayer in the family room.

The future: He wants to be a police officer... at least as of right this moment.

Last week it was a veterinarian. :)